Everything  you've done in life has brought you here. What you do with it is up to you. Welcome to my world. 

 

		ARCHIVE: 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006             New Years Eve- 12/31/01 See you at the House of Blues! If I Could Only Fly Run Forrest Run Solo Every time you go to eat something, ask yourself "is this going to nourish my body or not?" If the answer is no, then don't eat it. Easier said than done, right? Riding a slide into forever       Heads or Tails- 12/30/01 http://www.teatrain.com/caffeine.html Caffeine stimulates your body’s natural “fight or flight” response system. When stress hormones are released in the body, it produces increased levels of anxiety, irritability, muscular tension and pain, indigestion, insomnia, and decreased immunity. Do you think this might interfere with your ability to make a healthy response to normal everyday stress? No diet cokes Today I let go. lYou win. I lose        Inquire within- 12/29/01 No diet cokes so far One small step. It is hard to accept that someone you love could say or do what they are doing but everything happens for a reason I guess. Teaching by example. Dealing with what society says we have to be vs. who we are really are inside An individual has an effect with his actions both on oneself and on other people. Everyone's benefit is realized when people consider both in their actions and strive for the benefit of self and for the benefit of all. The others are part of the universe. So are we. The universe does not benefit by the part that is in us sacrificing itself for the part that is contained in someone else. Similarly, the universe does not benefit by the part that is in us looking the other way while the part that is in another flounders. The universe benefits from all that is a part of it being and doing well. To the extent that someone else is part of the same universe, each part has a responsibility to offer it level playing field to do well. This responsibility ends when what is asked is self-sacrifice, or doing for another what another should do for oneself." It has been my experience that, whenever I come up with what I think is an original idea, sooner or later I find that someone else has had it before. I feel upstaged at the same time as I feel vindicated, for while I no longer get to feel special for having the idea I get to know that I have attained with my own mental processes at something that has been recognized as a great thought. As you see I like to write. It's all about expression. I think back to what I was like as a person when I first met  her, and what I am like now and I am no longer the same person. She helped me grow up. My question is: Is the personal pursuit of happiness our sole purpose for being?  Should we amend a relationship contract to include: as long as you don't drink, get sick, depressed, unemployed, agree with me, have sex when and how I want it, like my friends, have your world revolve around me... you plug in your desires here.  Or do we just accept the current contract and say... I have made a commitment that I must honor... period. I will love you forever. I may not like you... but I will love you till the day I die.  Is it possible that the joy of an relationship is not be found in the obvious.... the companionship.. the sex... extra revenue but in the adhering to the commitment.... that our "reward" lies in our ability to be true to our word???  Is it about you... or is about the commitment? People who listen  from the armchair generals of their lives. You cant hide behind a camera for your looking through it. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. It's like hoping for an apple tree to one day give you pears. In the past I've been doing the same thing over & over & expecting to get a different outcome each time I begin the cycle again.  It's like walking up to a brick wall, pounding your head against it & finding out it hurts, then doing it over again thinking maybe next time it won't hurt, even though each time I've gone through the same cycle in the past, the results have always been the same. I've learned to change that cycle no more brick walls for me Best fix myself to regain. The best thing happens when one endures enough pain to get a little endurance, and when one is motivated by that pain to seek out ways to grow past that pain Ultimately matters is the present relationship, not some string of comparisons to either of our pasts. The subject of American materialism bugs me The part of the letting go is the process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our others should or should not be doing. The biggest problems for me are a lack of patience and a failure to recognize that letting my needs creep into my efforts only slows the whole process down and that frustrates me even more I never imagined how much effort and time would be necessary to create a chance to succeed. This is easily the most difficult challenge of my life. I pray every day that I can find the strength to continue. Every set back and backslide in my efforts has a direct correlation to my impatience. I did not listen to what she said and she did not say it in a manner that I could hear. Moi http://www.laweekly.com/ So how are you doing?       Fifth wheel 12/28/01 No diet cokes today First date. New experience. Different. Most people's guilt becomes less with time, this is due to forgetfulness, or light-mindedness. Melancholy is just the opposite - the longer the elapsed time, the more dreadful the guilt seems I hold no grudges. Just believe me when I say, There is a life out there, maybe not the one you envision, but one possible better than you ever dreamed! The Abyss is indeed black, and it calls to you, willing you to succumb to its call of despair Maybe I will not know what is real unless I am willing to give it away. There is no reality. We only perceive reality. So, if you "give it away," you will still only know what it is that you perceive to be reality, not reality itself I miss you Nigel.        Six F's- 12/27/01 Whether the value was binary or multi-valued only depended on whether the tuple had a natural set of statii. If you don't decide what it is you want for your life, it will be decided for you by others. "If I should fall behind." In this song, Bruce says, "Let's make our steps clear so the other may see." Clarity is power. Love begins with a smile, grows up with a kiss, and ends in a tear drop. The sun peaks out through gray clouds with such brightness. Communication is only half talking, the other half is listening. Look inward for relief Good Night everyone.      Daily Grind- 12/26/01 If I told you everything, then what's the point of actually getting to know me? Stripping off four layers of wallpaper covered by paint, a process about which I unfortunately know far too much. The results are worth it, though. I love the sound of the misty falling rain. The gentle rain feels so good against my naked body. Thunder and lightning turns me on. A sudden strong bolt of lightning piercing the dark sky causes this passionate heart to throb. In the stillness of the night, I love to hear the mysterious sound of a foghorn from a distant misty harbor. Observing the celestial bright stars on a clear night can add a unique romantic feeling. I smile when I see an unexpected rainbow bursting with brilliant breath taking colors over the waterfront. My body tingles when the sun peaks out through gray clouds with such brightness. If I lead your heart to love, will you promise to let it fall? Illuminate the path to your heart...let our hearts meet and say, "hello." We are almost there... Yes... Today marks the end of one journey. And the beginning of another. It is as true for us today as it has been for the thousands of others that have walked before us. Each of us, by our experiences, has been poised to take the next step on whatever path we have chosen. We can do it together. We can do it apart. The past makes up everything we are today, and the future is ours. Wish granted I think you can use Mid(<YourMemoField>,1,30) as SortField in report's query... She keeps looking for signs of bad motives and fraud and was unable to receive the love that I had for her. My wish for you is to give you me, Everything that I ever hope to be. That I would be the man of your dreams, Always nurturing it by all means. I would always give you your inner desires, To always do things that makes your heart inspired. To hold you close each night as we sleep, Giving you contentment with each new heartbeat. The past will always be there, waiting to make itself known. Fuck it.  Silence is okay. But if it's awkward silence then it's not. This kind of thinking is pointless, self-defeating and something one should strip from their mind. Give up the notion that you have to have foreknowledge of events. You can't have certainty of the future. It's not going to happen. Instead, you should develop ability at adapting to, and overcoming the mysterious unfolding of events in the moment, with what you brought. We each live in our own universe. Since you are the center of this private universe, it is your responsibility to remake it to your preferences. And since this universe is created (by perverse and unfathomable convolution, but still) in your image, that must mean that changing it begins within) If you think that you -must- make the date something unusually detailed and special, maybe that's a sign you're either chasing the wrong person, or being the wrong person. When you're with someone right, none of the trappings matter. You connect, and the surroundings and materials are secondary. That doesn't mean to not do your best; it means, fear never taught anybody to ride a unicycle. Only one way teaches. That is, to dare, and to get back up and dare again with another iota of coordination gained. I like to have things light, breezy, simple and agreeable. See what you find, take the best and leave the rest behind. If she's into you, she's into you, and it doesn't matter if the circumstances are exotic or mundane -It only matters how she feels, how you make her feel. I think that simple dates are better than fancy. For starters, you perforce spend more time involved with each other, than with some external stuff. Simple does not have to mean unexciting. But if you're the quiet, un-athletic sort, it could. And that isn't necessarily so bad. Your date is a test; you are testing her interest and desire to share the lifestyle of the person you are. Perhaps this is a test of tedium tolerance. You are the subject matter. You decide. If she isn't digging it, then you or the company have to change. Either way, it's best to have the circumstances favor her discovery of you (and vice versa). That's the whole point of it all, right? A better restaurant isn't going to change that, although better wine might ;) Maybe this kind of thinking is pointless, self-defeating and something one should strip from their mind. I want to go camping. Skinny dipping Relationships seldom stay in one place. They are either growing or dying. Goodnight everyone.      Winter Wonderland- 12/23/01 2 more shopping days until Christmas It is what you do and how you deal with your experiences and how you continue to treat others that will end up to be your lifeline. You can't discard the facts to make your point. My values are, apparently, in marked contrast to many that visit this site. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives."  Its only now that we can take a step back and change it. Go Bears...      Increasing the odds- 12/22/01 3 more shopping days until Christmas Updated my photos page. Well I really didn't update it I just made the links work. In time I will scan in some new images. Call me a test. Call me a challenge. Call me the answer to every waking dream you've ever had. Life is just beginning. Lets start together. I haven't seen my roommates in a while. Maybe all those books I got at the library scared them off. Oh the powers of words. Thunderstorms Donate Your Hair I suppose one odd thing about me is that I am probably an anomaly; I can be serious when necessary, but balanced with fun. Life is short. I'm making the most of it now. Always Evolving Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith and fix your wings as you fall. You cannot control the situation you are in but you can control how you react in it  By request a recent  Pic Yea I know I'm looking weathered. But I'm older and wiser. Heh at least I got my hair.  Simple assumptions that we make about each other and situations can lead to resentment, distance and emotional separation if left unaddressed. More.. http://www.burningman.com Henry will do so just as soon as he's finished the simple security system he is working on.  Do you want fries with that?  I mean, since you probably want him to deliver it, too, it just makes sense that he pick up some food on the way over. The question was semi-rhetorical and to that extent there must have been an element of whinge. It was prompted, not by my ignorance of the factors you mention, but by my surprise that the difference was higher than it has been in my experience. I am academic and have a reasonable library and and have often noticed that $'s become £'s. This time the £'s were more than the $'s. ...During our 12 hour drive, Susie had a apple as a snack. She asked Otto if he wanted an apple. He looked at the apple and saw only one and assumed that that was the only apple in the food bag. Since he wasn't hungry in that moment, but knew he would be soon, he mistakenly assumed that Susie was about to have the only apple. A short time later Otto had tortilla chips for a snack instead of the apple he would have preferred. Now he didn't resent Susie for eating the "last apple" but he silently wished there was another apple to eat instead of the chips. Susie was unaware of his assumption and desire for an apple, and it wasn't until the food bag was taken to the room and unpacked that three other apples appeared. If Otto hadn't assumed that there was only one apple in the bag, he would have had what he really wanted to eat instead of the chips. We silently want our relationships to be more passionate, more connected, more loving but we don't know how to communicate our needs to our partner. We assume what we want isn't available or isn't possible, without attempting to make the connection with our partner and speak our needs in a way that they can be understood. Sometimes we know what our needs are but don't express them because we are fearful what our partner will say or how he/she will react. So it's easier to keep silent. In our relationship, we have learned that if we don't communicate consciously and constantly, we start to make assumptions about how the other will react in a given situation and those assumptions are usually dead wrong. We've found that when we make assumptions, we're not living in the present moment--we are either in the past or in the future. We suggest that you not make assumptions about how someone else is feeling or thinking in any relationship--no matter how long you've been together and how well you know that person. We are all constantly growing and changing. If we want to grow together instead of growing apart, the most important thing you can do is to constantly communicate, one moment at a time. Decide to consciously create your lives the way you want them to be instead of allowing your lives to happen to you. Live consciously at all times based on your intentions on how you want your life to be. The apple is there if you want it. She doesn't eat meat but likes the bone. Two diet cokes today.      Technology on society- 12/21/01 4 more shopping days until Christmas Conflict is often a necessary catalyst for personal growth. It isn't possible to lead a conflict-free life. Instead, you must learn to use conflicts as experiences that will improve your inter-personal skills and problem-solving abilities. Thank you. I'm refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view Are you there God? (It's me Hal) Does e-mail bring people closer together, or does it make them feel more alienated? The Biblical concept of soul can be interpreted as a sacred relationship between the individual, the group (say, the children of Israel) and God. First the proof of God is clear in the Universe. Order does not come from randomness, only from order. Although, when order is combined with randomness it can create either order, randomness or a combination of order and psudo-randomness often referred to as "chaos" by many in the scientific community. Scientists have noticed that the universe is psudo-random, not random, but from all they can tell the universe is built on randomly occurring quantum particles, thus there must be another factor. Is this factor God? Also, who's to say that the virtual world isn't God created too? If God created the Universe, and God created humans, who's to say he didn't indirectly create the virtual world by doing so? 1/2 diet coke today Collaboration and enthusiasm gone. I miss her input.  Well I'm going out. See what this town has to offer.. To choose to torture oneself with cynicism is one's own burden to bear The best way to have friends is to be a friend. I haven't seen my roommates for more than a week...I'm kind of worried. Good night everyone and to you Jill. You can call me Mr.. blue if you want to Whatever The girl behind me is blowing in my ear.. Can you do something about the distraction so I can devote my full attention to the class please? :) It's going to be an interesting night  but I know  where my heart is.       Nigel  - 12/20/01 5 more shopping days until Christmas No Diet cokes today. Cool Mountain air Pick up your holiday greeting card here. Good Night        By the way genius  - 12/19/01 6 more shopping days until Christmas Defragging my Life Fixed the broken hyperlinks. Thanks for pointing it out. A decision that’s been hard to make looks much clearer now. Is there any way one could find out whether there is a chance to build trust and work on the issues needed without wasting any more time? Pondering. No one can find the worst when it is not there. Funny the first thing I would do when I wake up was to grab an diet coke. Now I reach for OJ. The more pulp the better. How's that working out for you? I don't articulate very well. Normally I don't mind silence. No diet cokes today. Sometimes it feels like I live two days at a time. All those new sensations Every once in awhile I awake to a different world. I sit on the edge of the bed and look around and see the world in different colors. Everything has a different presence, a different color, a different smell and a different reason.        Place Holder  - 12/18/01 7 more shopping days until Christmas I don't think I'd choose to go back in time. UNLESS I could take with me the things I've learned over the years. Otherwise, I'd just do the same stupid things all over again. One Diet Coke In an existential flash, I recognize that, despite love and friendship, I'm really alone. As I search my soul, I look for delight instead of misery. Willingness to listen is forgiveness in it's self for someone who wants your attention. I have not reached my full potential and now I have a deep determination to put my skills to work. Love without trust isn’t right for me I do remember friends who helped me in the past – I'm glad I could return the favor. It’s important to give straight answers. Like I have said in the past, Never lie so you remember. Kick me to the curb At what point do you walk away? I've learned a lot this year. Who would be the best person to share everything with? A person who believes in you. I can do that pretty much by will alone. Screw the chemicals. Part of being human I suppose. Is there no place to talk about these things where neither exist? Why would you want to talk about them if they didn't exist? Do I need to take notes too? Create a reality wherein you are interesting. When your world around you is chaotic, you need reason to make sense. Presuming things make sense to begin with. It should contain both virtue and ethical sense for an anti-entopic course. But it usually don't. Not power over others. In fact, I could maybe argue that the power to compel others cannot be virtuous. Much of what we look at is virtuous and in virtuous is colored by the whims of the day in any case. Both the powers to compel (i.e., coerce) as well as impel (i.e., persuade) are neither virtuous or in virtuous Power, at least, is pure. Perhaps the choice of the word "pure" was maladroit. Power is primal. It is amoral. Power is simply power. I have no idea, you'd probably know better than I.. Sometimes you just want to cover your ears with your hands and curl up and scream until all the noise stops and everything stops hurting and it all goes away but it never really goes away and you want to stay like that forever but you cant and eventually you uncurl and look around with wild  eyes and crawl into a different spot to hug your knees and cry for awhile, just release all the pent up shit that's hiding during the daytime. and it's okay to do that every once in awhile. It's okay to burst and splatter across the wall as long as you make sure you pick yourself back up afterwards and move on. it's all okay. The ultimately freedom point was being able to trust my own judgment, and make my own decisions without relying on others to give. I'm off to play Risk.. If I could really tell the story in words I would. But sentences is all I have right now.  I need some sleep. Good Night my friends.        The collective reality - 12/17/01   8 more shopping days until Christmas Continue to explore and ask insightful questions. How else can you learn? Mind and heart give you different answers. Personally, I believe unconditional love isn't about keeping score anyway. It's about giving all that you can without expecting anything in return. The values and beliefs of any culture are subsumed under a larger social construction called an ideology. An ideology is a set of beliefs and values held by the members of a social group, which explains its culture both to itself and to other groups. If you are a fish you probably do not realize you're wet. Satellite "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each others' worth." -Robert Southey. Can't judge the story since I don't have both sides. A cloud on the horizon. Peace, and strength, and calm contemplations on the significances of leaving colors behind for the stark simplicity of black. Someone please toss out some bread crumbs so I can find my way back? I feel so very unable to articulate anything lately.  Just so drained and tired, and kind of slipping deeper inside....real effort to communicate with the outside, you know? One diet coke today.      Recesses of my mind - 12/16/01   9 more shopping days until Christmas It is a principle of perception whereby the differences between two things are exaggerated depending on the order in which those things are presented.  I seem to do more thinking than is probably healthy. I know that I can't be alone in my thoughts. Taking some time each day for meditation Two forms of communication, one you hear and one you intuit. The struggle to understand one's true purpose in life, one's spiritual relationship to all things, and to fulfill one's destiny when it is known, has been part of humanity's existence always. This is a period of rapid expansion of my whole awareness and consciousness about the issues which are vital to my future well being. Taking a shrewd look at my lifestyle and adjusting those parts of it which do not fit in with what I actually believe. You cannot separate a shadow from its source. Waiting in the wings Is it possible...to make yourself not feel something that you do? if so, how? someone, please tell me Got quite a few books from the library today. http://www.wm3.org/ The only love worth having is unconditional love, where one loves absolutely and without the expectation of a return.  When one's mate also offers the same kind of love, one has a perfect relationship. Is that humanly possible? No diet Cokes today. Bye for now I have to water my fish.      In perspective - 12/15/01   10 more shopping days until Christmas Actually slept in this morning. Felt pretty good. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really don't hate writing copy. Actually it's kind of fun and you can get really creative with it. I just wanted to write you all a note to thank you for the kindness you extended to me, a stranger, when I 'm feeling low.   Happiness is not an external thing which can be taught like some "Lesson", it is an internal state of mind, you are your own teacher. Concise, eloquent, to the point. Kudos to you, Sir. It its amazing what happens when you let go of 'beliefs', which are usually 'shared perceptions' based on others interpreted experiences. Even though many believers would deny it, letting go of beliefs takes you closer to the 'reality' of God. The journey is and always has been to "self awareness" A process of 'elimination" in a sense. To 'feel you know' and to 'know you know' are two different realities. The feeling can either dominate (a step above belief) or can be a clear 'link in the chain', where know , feel and believe are all congruent. Being at a stage where I 'know what isn't " but are "uncertain of what is" is in a sense spiritual adolescence, and is very disorienting, and often agonizing. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Even if you found the Secret of Life the Universe and Everything, some people wouldn't want to know.  A few would even hate you for it.  Palindromes You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't interested in my writings. Without a journal one has no place to store promising ideas, no private place in which to think. A journal is to be is an collection of ideas.  My website is a personal one, which reflects who I am, what I like, how I think and how 'interesting' I am. People e-mail me all the time telling me to make changes to the other sections of my website that would please them.  Personal websites are made selfishly, but in a good way. I haven't written for myself in a long time and am enjoying it now. In time when I feel like it, I plan on updating the rest of my site. But I don't feel like it now. I feel like writing. The reason why I created and continue to manage my pages is because I love the freedom of expression it allows. Right now, I'm between paragraphs. I like feeling like I belong on a team, yet once in a while like to feel autonomous. Logic has nothing to do with reality at all. It's just a modeling tool, and as such not very good since life is based on feelings and those are probably the most un-logical phenomenon mankind will ever know Hmmm... even a broken watch is right twice a day.  When we need something from our partner, it's best when we make those needs both present and clear. http://noosphere.princeton.edu/ This website is constantly changing and improving,  just like the web designer behind it. Tomorrow starts today. I have a ghost in my house. I'm not kidding. I'm scared of where technology will lead us one day. I'm scared of clowns. I  admit that I am afraid of change We do not understand in times of trials, why things seem to happen to us, but life is a trial in itself, and we are here to learn. I am so thankful I have learned some of these lessons in life soon enough to be able to enjoy what they will reap. I'm looking for a good recipe to make hobo stew. The sun breaks the foggy morning sky, Holds a life so rich and love to stay. A touch so tender upon her cheek,  Lends to earning her love to seek. I longed for your love before I met you. Unworthy am I, her devotion so real, My arms will hold, to always feel. No man on earth holds a heart more tender, than from this girl my heart so renders. No diet cokes today. Good night.      Blur- 12/14/01   11 more shopping days until Christmas Amazing how quite it is out there at 4:45 am Gardens don't grow by themselves. I seem to be getting to work earlier and earlier each day. I wonder if waking up at 4:30 every morning has anything to do with it. Travel plans and possibly moving plans. Maybe This should be my Rantings page. Questions? Comments? Concerns all can be addressed at chas@vinniechas.com Man I hate writing copy. "An innovative and compelling solution that links strategic objectives with a leading edge interactive application" Does that sound original? Past memories activated by present "triggers."  These triggers activate a human predisposition that causes the individual to react without any resistance.  Good Night my Love One diet coke today.  Living every day as a gift Only she knows what my  heart wants...      Seclusion Room- 12/13/01   12 more shopping days until Christmas One diet coke today Just had breakfast.  I know it's the 6:30 in the evening but I can eat breakfast any time of the day. A critic is a legless man who teaches running. They say that singles/families imprint themselves on the houses they live in. Houses develop a 'feel' according to the feelings that dominated the house. There are days when only shape and color can express what I'm feeling. Those days when there are no words, no words at all because the white noise at least blurs the emotions. Private Sub Form_BeforeUpdate(Cancel As Integer)    If Me.Dirty Then         Me![DateChanged] = Now()    End If End Sub Money, religion and politics similar? Quality time together and enjoy that time together? Common interests and taste in TV, movies, sports, leisure, and music? Your idea of fun similar? Your goals and outlook in life similar? Are they the most beautiful person you know? Inside and Out? That's the point of PLONKing. Some say it is the acronym for "Putting Losers On Notice of Kill filing". I tend to the view that it's a phonetic. I can't even ask for the time of day.     Daily Proximity - 12/12/01   13 more shopping days until Christmas One diet coke so far. Amazing how long a case lasts now. Momentary attention into lasting popularity. The circus may have left town, but it'll be back. I love to see shooting stars. This plane of existence wrapped in a single dream. Recalling, remembering, reevaluating various steps already taken, are taking or about to take. Getting closer, trying to get a better view of the stage at the theatre - The fruits, both positive and negative, lifting and burdening, coming from the past. What is it with the cosmos anyway? I mean, why is it things always come in clusters and connections and things with such randomness. Or is it randomness? Live vicariously Quiet smiles A small hand of comfort to you "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each others' worth." -Robert Southey. Now if I could stop waking up in the middle of the night, everything would be so much better.      Your Not alone - 12/11/01   14 more shopping days until Christmas When I give my word, I mean it. It is said that Sept. 11 changed America. I know it changed me. I know it changed  friends around me. The sun is not as bright now, the air seems a little thicker. Since then I've changed quite a few things that I never realized about my self, how I do things, how I think, I'm a better person now, then I was three months ago or even 4 years ago. I think I've grown up. Almost. But in time I know then sun will burn brighter. The walls shake as the earth rumbles and the clouds part to reveal the moon, Chas enters the room. Two diet cokes today. I think I'll be okay. Understand that the time has come. I know what I want for Christmas. Heart says one thing and my head another. What is it with the cosmos anyway? I mean, Why is it things always come in clusters and connections and things with such randomness. Or is it randomness? That is the question isn't it.      Symptoms Cause Resolution - 12/10/01   15 more shopping days until Christmas Only one diet coke today. Thanks for the emails. Yea I know my writings/rantings are getting out of hand here but don't worry, I'm fine. Need to detach from that which is perpetuating the pain. Sometimes it seems so odd.  Seems almost random, as images of a time Sometimes situations that had been characterized as "good" in our mind, because  she said so.  Only now looking back with what I know now, it all looks quite different and place long ago present themselves. Some of the puzzle pieces are stained and corroded, and I have to first put them thru my own process and match them up with other pieces not corroded in the same areas. I'm sorry if I'm getting too deep. Amazing how different it all looks in that leap thru the wormhole. Suspecting this has been going on for some time, it seems to have some critical point that I recently reached where it all begins to coalesce much more rapidly. Am I'm making sense? Letting you know I'm here. Don't be afraid to write. Next year I plan on releasing my solo record. It will be via the internet- mp3.com and guess what. It'll be free. "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each others' worth." Robert Southey Spooning And everything under the sun is in tune but the sun is eclipsed by the moon Kill file Triggers Hence the Incredulity and amazement at the simplicity of it all Why is it that evangelists are always so stern in their opinions? When I have my moods she immediately thinks something is wrong with her and that I don't love her. Not true. If she doesn't want to save this, then it can't be saved.       May God be Your Copilot - 12/09/01 16 more shopping days until Christmas This morning I had experience I would like to share. My hands are shaking as I type. On my way home from church,  I was traveling north on a two lane highway. A eighth  mile or so  ahead of me in south lane a small pickup truck was attempting to pass a large group of vehicles at a fast rate of speed. I was frozen in my lane as I saw this idiot attempt this. I couldn't move, I was like a deer caught in the headlights, everything was happening in slow motion and my whole life was flashing before  me. Then I heard this  voice shouting, pull over to the right, pull over to the right- Now!. I did that as the the truck went by. I mean if I didn't pull over when I did I would be in a world of hurt right now instead of just my truck being in the ditch. I do believe God was riding shot gun with me.  Seconds later I saw a cop with his blue lights a blazing turn right onto that south lane. He must have seen this happening. He gave me the thumbs up as he drove by.  Don't thank me thank my passenger.  Man I'm still in a daze from the above experience.  I'm so thankful I was able to spend time with her and Nigel.    This nebulous thing, like most concepts, called the truth, It being like a thin film or curtain and behind that was life going on. The image of the film and life behind it, there wasn't really any room for living in front of the truth.  That's what I used to see.  I changed that. I'm will always be in front of that curtain now. Bathe my heart with hope. I have to admit it It seems like I have about 10,000 post its, in drawers, in books, on the dresser, on desk, you name it . When I do go back and read these types of profound thoughts that I had they usually make no sense at all. Heh It's like... "What the F*ck was going through my head when I wrote that". Why did I create those post its? I think I have some of the most profound and amazing thoughts and insights sometimes....but I can never remember what they are/were and at the time I figure they are so amazing how could I ever forget, so of course I didn't write them down.. Kind of like waking up and not remembering a good dream. And a lot of them appear here. I hope I'm not boring everyone. One diet coke today.       Colors of life we often miss - 12/08/01 17 more shopping days until Christmas My interests are myriad Have a good one. Today, because the reality of it all --there is only today. Nothing extraordinarily exciting to tell you about myself in this sentence, but I have a story just like everyone else. I would like to to watch all three Godfather films in a row with  friends and have a good spaghetti dinner and maybe some red wine. Time passes by, it is what we do with it that counts. Just a thought... time will age you, but how do you become wiser? Experience. My new paradigm seems to be a paradox My soul can find no stairs to heaven unless it would be through love. When nothing else in the world matters, except each other. Am I a dreamer? Those who recognize love must understand that it is precocious. It must be earned, and worked at once found, and cherished and given it’s rightful importance, and can be lost when taken for granted. Serenity and Beauty Carpe diem... Rain soaked forests You have to look at everything in a different way and you will see what you didn’t see before. Two diet cokes today. Couldn't get rid of the headache. I need to re-train the way I think in order to change the reflexive negative reaction I have to a positive one. So, here we meet. I am an open book Take Care More Rantings       Low - 12/07/01 18 more shopping days First to see the new direction, it feels great to take the next step. Every time I look at a can of diet coke I'm reminded. Compassion, which is taking the focus off of yourself, and imagining what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. I have to let her decide to love me. One thing I do know. I was blind, but now I see!" (John 9:25) Trying to keep it the relationship together. I don’t want to give up, but I am giving what’s left of my relationship to the Lord. Should I share my convictions but won't don’t try to control her. Show that I really love her by letting her go – release her to the Lord, and pray for her. "Have I not told you? Be strong and very courageous, and do not fear, for I the Lord your God am with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 I do believe there are truly intuitive people out there who can "see" and sense things... If only we would learn to listen to these people I woke up every morning next to her and  it I felt like I'm the luckiest man in the world What is it with the cosmos anyway? I mean, why is it things always come in clusters and connections and things with such randomness. or is it randomness? That is the question isn't it     5 of Cups - 12/06/01 Paint all with the same brush but why me? What others see has little to do with my reality. I've only had one diet coke all day. The problem of destiny and free will is the problem of the mind. As much as we may seek the right answer, it will always be incomplete, as it will be within the boundaries of the mind which is the source of delusion. The Bible says, "Count it all joy, my brethren when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." Jesus does not condemn you for sins of your past, but he also says to "go and sin no more." Scars inside the Heart. Life’s painful episodes come to us without warning and dare us to try to understand or make sense of difficulty and suffering. The hurt aches even worse when reckless mistakes injure those we love.     A new paradigm - 12/05/01 Its funny how a person short comings can over shadow their good qualities. Hate/Anger  such a harsh words. The dictionary can't really describe them  or the feelings they give. Not hate or anger  from me but directed toward me. It's an awful feeling. I don't like it. It's funny how now I look forward in going to work. The changes that have been made. It's funny that a person really can't have everything .  Ying Yang I spoke to an old friend of mine.  I found out 4.53 hours is all the life my battery has on my cell phone.       Trail out of that maze- 12/04/01 The future can only benefit from the lessons I have learned with this one. I know that from here it can only get better, and I look forward to the future. I hope and I pray. I had a dream last night that was wonderful. I never wanted to wake up. a Damn alarms. Responsible for change as an atomic bomb No more words are to be spoken. I regret having let a broad river slip through my fingers without drinking a single drop. Now I am sinking into the stone. A small pine tree in the red soil is all the company I have.  Whatever I loved vanished with the houses that were new last autumn and crumbled in the winds of winter. If  you undo the lies through remembering gives you back yourself . Spinning in this world that scared me to death. When we sort out the truth it is safe to release the memory or feelings. It doesn't have to be re-traumatizing that way - just painful, quickly painful and then new life and strength surges in right on it's heels. It really upsets and startles me when you get angry. Suspended animation state. Besides writing me scrip for an antidepressant, he said:  For now, try to take comfort in small things.  Just look for one thing each day that will brighten your day, and soon enough you'll find that there is joy to be found. I threw away the script for I need the pain but I will look for that one thing. There is no power in a pill. Floating lost. Immediate, unmutual, and emotionally overwhelming. Had a long talk with my dad tonight. He opened a lot of doors. I understand a lot more now. I do love him so. Thanks Dad. Grand finale sort of dream.  Funny how now I look forward in going to work. Good Night.      Life goes on- 12/03/01 Funny how a phone call can change the future. Its nice to talk to a friend and pick up from where we last left off. Friendship. It does matter.  Bruce D. E mailed me today. Pretty funny cause I really didn't  know what to say. Nigel I miss you and your mother too.      Concern- 12/02/01 In life, what sometimes appears to be the end, is really a new beginning. I think a friendship operates on a continuum and intimacy along with it as the measure of its intensity. I  believe that relationships are not stagnant or frozen within a specific niche.  I think they can change to reform all the time, reshaping and vacillating in and out in their closeness. However, I think relationships also need to be about foundation and stability to provide with a sense of permanence and security. I have no concept of time, it could be moving on or like time has stopped completely, I don't know. If I'm with other people and they're talking, either to me or to someone else, it's like I hear their words, but have a real hard time comprehending what they're saying, like it's in a foreign language or something that I've never heard before.  I've spent so much of my life running from my life that living now is an concept in its self. Empathy and openness and caring are good - overstepping boundaries and allowing them to be overstepped are not good.  Paradigm is kind of another word for "model" or "pattern," so if you have had a paradigm shift, then your foundational pattern for thinking about how you are going to live your life has changed Our strengths can be our downfalls. Feeling kind of lost right now. I'm just really...really.....tired. How many times must a person get kicked in the knee before they leave? There are so many, many things in my life I wish I could erase - not things that have happened to me but  things I have done. My world changed and will never be the same, even though I am taking responsibility for my part in this. For the most part, I know down deep that I'm a good person. Appreciate the moment which you can control rather than plan for the future which you can't... Sometimes a piece of music will play and stop you in your tracks, it'll make you see things in a different way, but then the music ends and the silence reigns supreme once more . Sometimes in a book you'll read a passage that will stop you in  your tracks, make you see things in a different way, but then the book  ends  and the world switches back to black and white again I don't think I've ever posted this much before. Weird feeling to realize that one is only the content of ones consciousness.      December- 12/01/01 Shit - the damage was deeper then I thought but hopefully with time  and Gods help I can repair it.  How can you change things about yourself that you don't know need changing? As you constantly change, so does your other. Whether these two changing entities will converge or diverge along the path of life is anyone's guess. I guess that's what life is all about. I really do think about what I say  or promise and then  collectively decide if I can really do/change these things. Yes I can. Yes I have.  Yes I will. I have changed a lot of things. I will change more things.  The thing I wonder about  is, her views towards me and ask myself if she can realistically get over these hurdles enough to restore what we once had. I can't answer that for her. Finding someone who really loves you is a gift.  Unselfishness leads to fulfillment, happiness. My focus isn't on me.      No subject...just words- 11/28/01  Things are being moved and shifted around inside my head lately, only I have no clue as to anything beyond that.  I just know things are just being...moved around.  Towards the good or the bad?  I don't know.  Just seems...different...somehow. Echo's from the past. I do welcome them. Life is a series of moments, strung loosely together by consciousness to appear continuous. Live in the moment for awhile.  I'm feeling overwhelmed about the future, and haunted by the past, I'm  ignoring the present. I'm not able to express myself very good anymore but...I can still hear you in the stillness.      Quiet Breath of Winter- 11/28/01  Maybe my love I had was just a Idea or a concept or a thought. I have dealt with it, and I think love is a place between to people to be one. A sacred place one of understanding, misunderstanding, tolerance, individuality and love. Shit love is a concept all by itself   Afraid as we are of winter it is for some of us the very best. It is the quietest season, the stillest except for the storms and it is those very storms that are followed by the greatest stillness. And all that white. How beautiful. I think I might be able to enjoy the winter this year after all. We have some how in these summer autumn storms or ours accomplished some of our hopes and intentions... We have found ourselves, the very construction of our soul and how it can be fulfilled, you might say, what we were born for or what we naturally are, or, what our hardwiring is. Such a good thing. It is time to rest still though, to let our fingers slowly relax their death grip on the things we have clung to in substitute for our real life events. The alone fears we wrote so much about are much much diminished, we can be alone, because we are not really alone. We can take our guts in our hands and interact with people as who and what we are, not just multiple but who and what we are as a soul. To realize what our purpose is. It is all details now. How to arrange our life in the practical way so that we live and do the things we are born for. It will take some courage to step out into that life, but, that is there too. If we were not so exhausted we would be excited about this. Tired so tired and the busiest time of the year for the job. What a time to do these things but our inner works seldom pay any attention to the outside. It is time to deal with inside feelings cause we are have been ready for it and that is that, to delay would cause confusion and pain, more than going ahead does.  So tra a la a la we go  Actually more like plod plod cry n keen n plod plod plod we go but it is ok. We do feel strengths under our exhaustion that we never thought to have in this side of eternity, It is what? Surprising? Awesome. Something. Us? We say, this is us??? Yes... Maybe. So, it is time for another kick in the stomach from life you can bet. O joy... well, we are stronger at least. Slipping into a raindrop and evaporating away......... Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe two books. Maybe a series. The healing powers of music and for so how for so long I forgot the magic of it.       Norman Rockwell Picture Holiday- 11/26/01  If we ACT like the person we want to become, we eventually do become that person, both on the inside and the outside For many of us our problems now are the same as before we met. It's only up to us to correct them. Trusting is a way of dealing with the future. This situation took time to develop--it's going to require some time to  sort out Pausing for the moment What ever Jill    See yourself through my eyes- 11/24/01  If love exists only when things are good, or when problems do not arise, it is not love at all, but just some pleasant feeling. Hope everyone had an happy Thanksgiving. Putting the pieces of my heart back together, its changing for the better. Princess I live in the clouds. Beat the monster Trying to balance things out in my own mind. Tao te Ching     Building Bridges- 11/19/01  Last week while driving home in my black pickup truck I saw a shooting star. I made a wish. You know, I haven't felt this good in a while.      Beckons the inevitable, The weary march back- 11/14/01 I need to be hurt in order to grow. I must fail in order to know. I must lose in order to gain. I must learn that life lessons are best learned through pain. The question isn't how much love there is at the beginning, but how much love there is at the end To be happy you must have a penis in your hands I've never been this scared in a long time.       Love + Love = Bomb - 11/12/01  This pain comes from a memory. Sudden breeze though mild, were for me an omen or fright, every profound incite made me again a child and I feel that I know. She had locked up her heart. Will I ever find the keys? Anchors Away. Avoid thinking in terms of the past, present and future. For the past has not yet gone, the present is not an fleeting moment and the future is not yet to come. I really wish I could write a love song with an happy ending. Maybe someday I will. All of the clouds countless voices, Every drop forms the rain, As the cycle rejoices. Lobsters are vulnerable as they shed their shell but they grow to become strong.  The book was great but... Thanks for listening, your emails been great. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God Bless.      Anchors - 11/01/01  Often what is left unsaid conveys more than the spoken word. As I clicked the shutter, I realized the world would never be the same. Acid is more damaging to the container than it is to itself. Familiar intimacy felt like an mine field. More Rantings      Lonely Soul  - 10/30/01  A drought doesn't begin on a single day. Just because a farmer has a bad crop doesn't mean he should sell the farm. It takes a long as it takes. Inside of what mature rest the original seed. Hoping for something divine rises to comfier the world and it refuses to wane burning as it is heard. Alls lost once the leaves have fallen. Falling in love with the idea of a stranger.       The  pain that Consumes the Mind  - 10/22/01  Thinking of her, what's she doing now. I knew what she wanted, but wasted those days.  A noble heart never forces itself forward. It's words as rare gems seldom are displayed and are of great value. A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice he caught hold of a root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling the man looked down, where far below another tiger was waiting to eat him. Two mice, one white and one black little by little started to gnaw away at the vine. The man looked around and saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted. The fire the pain that consumes the mind leaps to lick at yours.        Never Lie so you Remember  - 10/18/01  She looked to the left. Death the state of no return. Every action is perceived immediately, the effects of every single action. I am the consciousness of that person. Love + Love = Bomb When the sky is clear the sun appears, When the earth is parched the rain will fall. I open my heart fully and spoke out. But it was useless to talk to these four walls. My girl friend met her MR. Wonderful on the internet. She is now my ex girlfriend. Lying bitch. Apparently she's has been corresponding with him for many months. Explains her time on the computer doing 'work' Hope they have fun at the k fest. The ology of this. Heh what goes around comes arround.       4 Weeks + Many months ago  - 10/09/01  One incident or choice can change our lives forever. The world has lost it's color and an universal grayness has spread inexorably over every surface. Heaven all around me Hell burning within. Weight of Emptiness At the end of my rainbow will I find you there? New Rantings...      The only quiet thing was the heart - 3/26/01  But it's easy for me to talk. And a scary thing for you to do. I am not now, nor ever have been, sure if that breeze I feel is smoke or not.... Remember to have faith is really to advance along the way where all human road signs point: back, back, back. And I repeat Never, Never listen to anyone along the way. Deep down they want you to fail. Even though a poem can be a thousand words, a book a thousand pages, but made up of senseless words, one word is better, which if one hears, they becomes quiet.. Enjoy the rest of your life.         Live the Life you Love or Love the life you Live- 2/17/01  That is the question. Tired of changing my email address so I got an permanent one. It's chas@vinniechas.com I'll be dropping my west-la account shortly.           What's New | Rantings |  Multimedia | Store | Contact | Home | Guestbook COPYRIGHT © 1 9 9 7 -  2 0 0 8  T H E C H A S G R O U P All Rights Reserved